THE YARDSTICK

I've always enjoyed cliches.  Whenever I hear one, I ponder the meaning of the words, carefully dissecting each word then, putting them together, forming the phrase.  What, exactly, was the image the speaker or writer wanted to get across to me?  Did it make any sense at all in the context it was used?  Sometimes, yes and sometimes, not at all.

Here's one.  It came to me while I was getting ready for the day this morning.  "What is the measure of a man?"  Hmmmm.  Ok.  By what

AM I Gay?

Angel has been cross dressing more and more. Pretty much on a regular schedule.  Usually at night, then she always wants to go out to the park for a long walk and find a place to take some pictures. Sometimes I go but, most times I don't.  I feel like I am being used as a shield or something.  He needs to find his own courage and his true self.  I think its important.

So, back to me.  If I'm in love with a crossdresser, (i.e. mine in particular) Angel, does that then make me a lesbian?  And, for sure, when or if he gets breast implants, is it then that I am a lesbian?  I

A CROSSDRESSER....."WHAT'S THAT MEAN?"

By Maria Harding

I was told, in great detail, what it was to be a crossdresser.  When I first found out my soon-to-be spouse was a crossdresser, I wanted to know everything I could about it.  "Are you mentally ill?", I had to ask..... And, if so..... "Can you be fixed?" or..... "Is it a habit, and if so, can you just give up the habit?"  No, No and No.  OK.  I had to confirm what he was telling me so I went to the library to research the subject.  I couldn't find anything on the subject. Of Course, I am in Utah and this was the 80's and before the Internet.  Times are a changin' though.

MAN OR WOMAN

#Boobies, #Crossdressers Wife, #Crossdressing, #Wife of #Trans spouse

So, where was I? It's been a minute since I blogged and I'm attempting to keep this in a somewhat chronological order.  (If I dare call it that).    My apologies each post starts with my disclaimers.  It will get better as we go.  

My hubby just really threw me for a loop.  He's always been a crossdresser and now,  he tells me he is transsexual.  Mind you… not transgendered, transSEXUAL.  What exactly, is THAT supposed to mean?  Why are we playing semantics and what about my “crossdressing” husband?  He would sometimes be my she but then return to my husband?  Where were they?  Why can’t we just leave things the way they are.  Why all the change up? And more good news for me, she is going to have breast implants.   WHAAaaa... When he told me that, I stopped.  Right there.   BLAM.  All my life flashed before my eyes….   Huh?

I’m not who I thought I’ve been all these years.  Exactly!!  Then, who the hell am I?  I’ve been duped.  It was all a set-up.


I had some thinking to do now. The thoughts in my head were racing, as they often do when he’s throwing curve balls at me.  It sounded something like, “OK…. He's going to get some boobies. Hmmmm. OK… I like Boobies… Wait… no, No, NO.  What about….?  What about what?  What about...  the people.   What will “everyone” think?… Who is “everyone”?  Who are the PEOPLE?  I’ll tell ya who the people are, the kids, the family, the neighbors, the crossing guard, the police, the military guys,  the President!  And what about Michelle and the Girls?  Not to mention all the BOYS in the US.  That inner voice of mine was getting louder with each sentence.  At this point, it was pounding, screaming in my  head.   I foresaw exactly where I was going with this.  I could hear every hypocritical statement and contradiction I was posing to myself.   Am I a hypocrite?  I shall see, once I uncover all these layers here to get to the bottom of it. 
“I don't care what people think”.   I’ve always said that.  Out loud, too.  Let’s look at that closer.  Do I? or Do I?   Again, I must ponder this a little more. You know what, I guess maybe I do care what people think.   That’s crazy.  I taught my children to be whomever they wanted, dress how they wanted, say what was true and be true to themselves.  Am I really real? 


When something hits you to the core of your person, am I real or do I stand on what I can define with my words and wrap my mind around whatever it is to fit into what I have been taught and our society dictates is “right” and “wrong” behavior for the genitalia we were born with. 


What he had explained to me, many years ago, about what it was to be a crossdresser was that…he was a bi-sexual man who liked to wear womens clothing for the sexual turn on.  When dressed, he likes to have the attentions and affections of a man.  So where does that leave me?

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GORGEOUS LUVVY, JUST GORGEOUS

I have gotta say, I've missed not being able to express myself in writing. I love to type because at least the typing keeps up (somewhat) with the speed of what's going on in my brain.  During the past couple months, it's been a roller coaster ride.  My husband won't commit or make a decision one way or the other.  He can't decide if he wants to remain a crossdresser or if he wants to be transgender.  It makes ME so confused.  I wouldn't want to be him.  I can only envision what it must be like in his head!

You see, my difficulty comes up when he decides he wants to be gorgeous and sexy, he asks me if it's ok.  Uuhh?!?  What should I say?  What does HE think I'll say?   Besides, what does it really matter what I say.  Doesn't he need to be himself.

Crossdressing was something he and I shared as a couple.  It was one of our many displays of intimacy.  His feminine persona was my best friend.

#Gorgeous #Leggs

#Sexy #Crossdressing #Husband #Leggs

We laughed and giggled all the time and if he was feeling feminine, we'd try on new clothes together, experiment with makeup, do our hair and wigs, and, of course, play with boobies.  We'd be Runway Model ready then strut down our catwalk, imitating the Greats like Jenna or Ines.  We WERE those Hollywood models.  We used to put on Runway Shows for each other with quick changes for all the different looks.    She'd help me pick out my wardrobe changes and I hers....and she was my best friend.

He IS my best friend.  He's having such a difficult struggle inside himself.  He used to tell me about it and now, doesn't seem to want to say, out loud, what's going on.  All I ever asked for was the truth.  Just speak the truth and speak from your heart.  I see his perpetual battle and it hurts me to see the suffering.  I try to reassure him and say to just be himself but...I can't seem to reassure myself it will work out.  I'm scared.  How can I pass on the hope when I am scared?  I just pick up every day and handle whatever the next thing is that comes our way.  That's how! Cause WeBeOnIt!.  I'm trying to elevate my attitude.  

In the past when he wanted to be gorgeous, he would clear it with me first.  Him being a crossdresser, we had made an agreement that he would only dress when we both agreed and felt ok with it.  Now, if he's transgender, he should just be himself or herself, right?  (Heavy sigh...Still Confused).

Please allow me to apologize for being so confused by the hims and hers.  SOME DAYS!

I know in my head maybe I shouldn't be (confused) anymore, I should be able to roll with it however, he still asks me permission then, no matter what my response, he dresses.  He HEARD me say it was ok.  She is a bit of a sissy slut and always goes short and tall, if you know what I mean.  The shorter skirt the better and the higher the heel, the BEST!  Now, I love the look.  That look was reserved for our special times and for ONLY me.  Not for the world, let alone my neighborhood.  (on and on........)

After she's all gorgeous, dolled up slutty, now, I'm salivating.  It's like Pavlov's dog.  I've got a conditioned response to have sex when she comes out.  If she doesn't conceal her attire and keep the risque clothing reserved for me, I get upset and jealous.  I just don't think my spouse should be flaunting it like that.  Ultimately, he blames his attire and behavior on me.  He tells me I condoned it, even encouraged him to be his gorgeous, sexy slutty self in the middle of the day.   

Choices.  We all have choices and we should be free to make them by ourselves.  Type of clothing is also a choice.  We choice what we wear into the world.  I don't put my stuff out there, lookin' like I'm some single lady.  I respect my spouse and don't want her to be jealous.   Ever.



THE CROSSDRESSERS WIFE IS COMING OUT

I would love to hear from anyone who reads this stuff I'm writing and what they think.  I have joined several communities on G+ and I'm just not sure I will fit in with them.  Fit In??  Who Am I Kidding?  I am ME!  and that will not change.  I will evolve into a more developed, aware, Elevated plane.  G6?

I'd love to know if anyone relates to my humor.  I always try to "Make Lemonade" when given the lemons.  These days it's been Orange Juice, Watermelon Juice and, well, I'm not going to mention the other Juice!  That one there is a deep subject.  Oops. 

IS MY MARRAIGE DOOMED? (OR AM I JUST CLUELESS!)

It's really a sad thing.  I think everyone has probably figured out the @Angel Harding is my husband/wife.  Although I do believe Angel has divorced me long ago.  I have to tread softly here and just get some of this off my chest.  

As I was working on this next post for the Blog - something has come up and I just needed to post.  So, I am sharing the Google+ activity.

https://plus.google.com/u/0/108645756729229654936

MAKEUP (MINE AND HERS)

     It seems to me I'm venting all the years of not being able to talk to anyone about any of this.  I'm not angry though.  Not at all.  We gotta understand Clark too (or Lois, I would say).  They haven't been able to talk to anyone about all this exciting stuff going on either.  We go out shopping and Lois is making her own choices with her makeup.  I mean, have you SEEN those colors, and lashes, and mascara, and the PENCILS.  OMG - I love all of it and so does Lois.  Us girls just LOVE our makeup.

     We got this thing, always have, (I mean, I got this thing!  Let's be honest here, it is ME) with my makeup pencils.  To narrow it down a wee bit more, the Pencil Sharpener.  

     I love my pencils.  I adore them, I cherish them, they are my artists tools for the canvas I call face.  And the Sharpener...you know what I mean.  I have this Sharpener that I've had for at least 15 years.  It's metal, silver in color, small, and has two holes, one biggie and one for the regular size.  It is My Sharpener.

     When Lois and I first started to do makeup together, I would allow her to use my pencils but not my Sharpener.  I realized, right away, I am overly protective of certain pencils.  I cannot share the pencils. (we won't say the word ((WHISPER) - Sharpener). 

     We worked that out a long time ago.  I got mine, she got hers.  It's all good and still love now.  Lois got a new sharpener last time we shopped for makeup and she bought a cheapie.  I told her so, had to be right in there tellin' her what, when, how (yeah, I know, meow me), she didn't listen and got it anyway.  Within a week the sharpener didn't work anymore.  She asked to borrow mine.  Already!  "No."  I roll my eyes 'cause she already knows not to ask.  She just wants to see my nails so she can copy me.  (??!?)

     I am working on this other thing in me, it's like jealousy or envy, maybe fear.  The fear is covering up something deeper though and I am digging.  I don't want to lose her to this coming out but, the world is such a gorgeous place, it deserves more gorgeous people in it so I will not stop the process.  I been flyin' around all my life, doing my thang with the gorgeous now it's Mariposa, baby, gotta let 'em fly.  I know I kinda feel left out cause Lois is just doin' her thing.  We used to do this together and it used to be underground, like our night-time secret.   I'm still figurin' out what my thing is now.  Like...where do I fit in?  Nope, that will not do for me.  I don't fit in.  I get fitted.  If that makes sense.  I feel very alone around her, alot more than I like to acknowledge.  

Part of my thing is MAKEUP!  Did I mention, I love my pencils.  (sssh - sharpener)

     The next day, we are sitting at the table, putting on our makeup and Lois pulls out a pencil sharpener.  I'm looking across the table, eyes over the top of my glasses, "what is that?", as I point with my eyes to the little thing in her hand.  Lois says, "a pencil sharpener", with this coy little grin.  I see the smile lines in the corners of her lips.  "And...where did you get that?"  "Oh, I asked the gf about how to get my pencils sharpened the right way and she gave me this".  We have a couple that shares our apartment right now (son and gf).    I can feel the fur on the back of my neck start to busstle up (is that how you spell busstle?)  I'm trying to keep my voice steady and calm.  "When did you talk to her?"  (We live in 950 square feet, 2 bedrooms, what the hell am I saying! When????)  Just imagine, I'm spitting out the words, the polish is flying OFF my nails as I'm trying to keep the claws from running any pantyhose, much less, oh who knows what.  Lois just looks over at me and gave me the, to die for, most beautiful eyelash bat I've had from her in a long time.  My heart melts just a tinsy, tiny droplet.  Nope, be strong here, get back to it!  I get up, walk around to the other side of the 2 foot wide table, take the pencil sharpener, proceed to take one of her pencils out of her makeup bag and I sharpen it.

     Damned if the thing don't work just great!  BETTER THAN MINE.  It's PLASTIC, it only sharpens one size!  What is going on here.  Lois has a better pencil sharpener than me!  Huff, Puff, busstle goes down, tail lowered, I surrender.  I don't wanna put on my makeup today anyway.  My skin (no, I) need a day to breath.  

     I'm pouty for awhile as I go through and gather up my most prized pencils, put them in my to go bag with my other makeup essentials, put them in my purse and hide my purse.  My pencil sharpener is in the bottom of the makeup bag in the bottom of the purse in the bottom of the nail box in the back of the closet.  Lois will NEVER find it.  Folks, she don't need my dogon Pencil Sharpener.  She gots hers and I gots mine.  

     Why did I and why do I get so flustered with something so silly?  It's so silly, petty, catty definately and now I am just laughing.  I had to get out of the apartment for awhile so I go see somes friends and I'm telling them my trauma of the day and we are laughing so hard as I pull out the makeup bag from the purse.  I pull out the sharpener and show him.  Mine is all mucked up with lip liner in the small hole cause I didn't clean it.  I'm still going on and on about how much better his sharpener is.  

     I feel stupid and it has seriously been years of me nagging, "don't use my sharpener."  I know she does when I'm not looking though cause you know how that red lip liner is stuck up in there, you don't know and go stick the white pencil in that same hole then put that in the wrong spot, now you got red lip liner on your eyeballs and white lips, what is my life coming to?  

     The icing on the cake is I know, Lois will never, ever use my sharpener again cause now she has the inside scoop on where to get the good ones and they won't be tellin' me 'cause I am just not with the in crowd after how I acted up today with Lois.  

     What's a Cat to do?  She will just get her blanket, go curl up with it, lick the wounds, fix those claws, even shave them down a bit and get cleaned up.  Maybe get a haircut for the busstling fur too.  Yup.  

MAKEUP Tips for a Crossdresser from the Crossdressers Wife i.e. CatWoman:

#1  Have a good pencil sharpener.
#2  Good Q-Tips on hand to clean after every pencil
#3  A bit of skill and finese to blend the colors.
#4  Think OUTSIDE of the lines, yes, lines!  You are a gorgeous work of art, there are no lines you must stay inside.
#5  You will look as good as you feel.  :-)

SHOULD SERIOUSLY BE A CONSIDERATION OF PROFOUND IMPORTANCE TO THE CROSSDRESSER WITH A DEDICATED PARTNER - MAYBE THEY COULD CALL IT A BOUNDARY THEY WILL RESPECT, JUST FOR US GG's! 

MY LAST TIP for today:
Don't touch your wifes make-up, clothes, panties, lingerie, you know the drill.  Even if she tells you it's ok.  Make sure she gets all the thrills and frills you desire and apply to yourself and we make it GORGEOUS!