MAN OR WOMAN

#Boobies, #Crossdressers Wife, #Crossdressing, #Wife of #Trans spouse

So, where was I? It's been a minute since I blogged and I'm attempting to keep this in a somewhat chronological order.  (If I dare call it that).    My apologies each post starts with my disclaimers.  It will get better as we go.  

My hubby just really threw me for a loop.  He's always been a crossdresser and now,  he tells me he is transsexual.  Mind you… not transgendered, transSEXUAL.  What exactly, is THAT supposed to mean?  Why are we playing semantics and what about my “crossdressing” husband?  He would sometimes be my she but then return to my husband?  Where were they?  Why can’t we just leave things the way they are.  Why all the change up? And more good news for me, she is going to have breast implants.   WHAAaaa... When he told me that, I stopped.  Right there.   BLAM.  All my life flashed before my eyes….   Huh?

I’m not who I thought I’ve been all these years.  Exactly!!  Then, who the hell am I?  I’ve been duped.  It was all a set-up.


I had some thinking to do now. The thoughts in my head were racing, as they often do when he’s throwing curve balls at me.  It sounded something like, “OK…. He's going to get some boobies. Hmmmm. OK… I like Boobies… Wait… no, No, NO.  What about….?  What about what?  What about...  the people.   What will “everyone” think?… Who is “everyone”?  Who are the PEOPLE?  I’ll tell ya who the people are, the kids, the family, the neighbors, the crossing guard, the police, the military guys,  the President!  And what about Michelle and the Girls?  Not to mention all the BOYS in the US.  That inner voice of mine was getting louder with each sentence.  At this point, it was pounding, screaming in my  head.   I foresaw exactly where I was going with this.  I could hear every hypocritical statement and contradiction I was posing to myself.   Am I a hypocrite?  I shall see, once I uncover all these layers here to get to the bottom of it. 
“I don't care what people think”.   I’ve always said that.  Out loud, too.  Let’s look at that closer.  Do I? or Do I?   Again, I must ponder this a little more. You know what, I guess maybe I do care what people think.   That’s crazy.  I taught my children to be whomever they wanted, dress how they wanted, say what was true and be true to themselves.  Am I really real? 


When something hits you to the core of your person, am I real or do I stand on what I can define with my words and wrap my mind around whatever it is to fit into what I have been taught and our society dictates is “right” and “wrong” behavior for the genitalia we were born with. 


What he had explained to me, many years ago, about what it was to be a crossdresser was that…he was a bi-sexual man who liked to wear womens clothing for the sexual turn on.  When dressed, he likes to have the attentions and affections of a man.  So where does that leave me?

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GORGEOUS LUVVY, JUST GORGEOUS

I have gotta say, I've missed not being able to express myself in writing. I love to type because at least the typing keeps up (somewhat) with the speed of what's going on in my brain.  During the past couple months, it's been a roller coaster ride.  My husband won't commit or make a decision one way or the other.  He can't decide if he wants to remain a crossdresser or if he wants to be transgender.  It makes ME so confused.  I wouldn't want to be him.  I can only envision what it must be like in his head!

You see, my difficulty comes up when he decides he wants to be gorgeous and sexy, he asks me if it's ok.  Uuhh?!?  What should I say?  What does HE think I'll say?   Besides, what does it really matter what I say.  Doesn't he need to be himself.

Crossdressing was something he and I shared as a couple.  It was one of our many displays of intimacy.  His feminine persona was my best friend.

#Gorgeous #Leggs

#Sexy #Crossdressing #Husband #Leggs

We laughed and giggled all the time and if he was feeling feminine, we'd try on new clothes together, experiment with makeup, do our hair and wigs, and, of course, play with boobies.  We'd be Runway Model ready then strut down our catwalk, imitating the Greats like Jenna or Ines.  We WERE those Hollywood models.  We used to put on Runway Shows for each other with quick changes for all the different looks.    She'd help me pick out my wardrobe changes and I hers....and she was my best friend.

He IS my best friend.  He's having such a difficult struggle inside himself.  He used to tell me about it and now, doesn't seem to want to say, out loud, what's going on.  All I ever asked for was the truth.  Just speak the truth and speak from your heart.  I see his perpetual battle and it hurts me to see the suffering.  I try to reassure him and say to just be himself but...I can't seem to reassure myself it will work out.  I'm scared.  How can I pass on the hope when I am scared?  I just pick up every day and handle whatever the next thing is that comes our way.  That's how! Cause WeBeOnIt!.  I'm trying to elevate my attitude.  

In the past when he wanted to be gorgeous, he would clear it with me first.  Him being a crossdresser, we had made an agreement that he would only dress when we both agreed and felt ok with it.  Now, if he's transgender, he should just be himself or herself, right?  (Heavy sigh...Still Confused).

Please allow me to apologize for being so confused by the hims and hers.  SOME DAYS!

I know in my head maybe I shouldn't be (confused) anymore, I should be able to roll with it however, he still asks me permission then, no matter what my response, he dresses.  He HEARD me say it was ok.  She is a bit of a sissy slut and always goes short and tall, if you know what I mean.  The shorter skirt the better and the higher the heel, the BEST!  Now, I love the look.  That look was reserved for our special times and for ONLY me.  Not for the world, let alone my neighborhood.  (on and on........)

After she's all gorgeous, dolled up slutty, now, I'm salivating.  It's like Pavlov's dog.  I've got a conditioned response to have sex when she comes out.  If she doesn't conceal her attire and keep the risque clothing reserved for me, I get upset and jealous.  I just don't think my spouse should be flaunting it like that.  Ultimately, he blames his attire and behavior on me.  He tells me I condoned it, even encouraged him to be his gorgeous, sexy slutty self in the middle of the day.   

Choices.  We all have choices and we should be free to make them by ourselves.  Type of clothing is also a choice.  We choice what we wear into the world.  I don't put my stuff out there, lookin' like I'm some single lady.  I respect my spouse and don't want her to be jealous.   Ever.