By Maria Harding
I get these mixed messages these days. I ponder our life together and wonder, where did we go wrong? More importantly, where did I go wrong? Is anyone to blame and can this situation be fixed?
He tells me one day he is transgendered and just wants to live however he wants and decide each day if he’s a man or woman. OK. I got over that and I can live with that. What I can’t wrap myself around is how, one minute, I’m with my husband….. the next minute, it’s her. Please note…I did not say “wife”….. Let me take a short little detour here and tell you about the terminology “wife”, when referring to Angel. We always talked about getting married again. Our first marriage wasn’t anything elaborate. Just a Judge came to our house, we did vows and had a little cake. (We had dressed up the night before!)
As the years passed, we became closer . I was gaining a deep, personal and intimate portrait of this person I married. It deepened my love for him and that he would trust me with all these inner thoughts. We said Angel and myself would, one day, have another wedding ceremony. We both would wear wedding dresses and re-affirm our vows to each other, this time as the other side.
He has been telling me all these years how Angel would wear white and I would wear black. I would just laugh but recently, it hit me kinda funny. Why do I wear black to re-affirm my vows to the person I love? No, we could both wear whatever the hell colors we want. After all, isn’t that what this is supposed to be about, finding your true, authentic self.
Back to the ceremony, I got down on one knee and proposed a few months ago to her. She said yes so, I somewhat started to envision the event. While looking around for ideas, I found some photos of a wedding and re-posted on Google +. https://plus.google.com/108645756729229654936/posts/7sP4Rur9y2B When he saw the photos, he said, “Angel will NEVER marry YOU!”
He says he wants to be remain my husband but when he is she, she says she also wants to remain, not wife. Just remain. I get so confused. I am patient. I am understanding and compassionate. When the lines of communication were open and he was telling me what he was thinking and feeling, I also has great empathy and it helped me to be reassured I am loved 100%. Now, there is no talking. He won’t tell me what he is thinking so, I can only go by what he’s doing.
I take it as a personal attack sometimes when he comes out in front of people dressed slutty. He is my partner. To me, that’s putting it out there. If you wanna stay married, you don’t put yourself out there as available. I think I may have just said what I need to get through my head, “He” is my partner. And, let me tell you, he is struggling. I keep trying to get him or her to open up and talk to me but they won’t. Oh my goodness, I just said “they”. I had told myself I wouldn’t refer to him as “they”.
For now, he is my Husband. She is someone that is finding her way and, hell, I don’t know….. She needs her space to grow? I am trying to leave her alone and let her find herself.
So, for now, I will leave it at that. He is my Husband. For him (and her) I feel eternally blessed and am truly a better person for having known him.
I get these mixed messages these days. I ponder our life together and wonder, where did we go wrong? More importantly, where did I go wrong? Is anyone to blame and can this situation be fixed?
He tells me one day he is transgendered and just wants to live however he wants and decide each day if he’s a man or woman. OK. I got over that and I can live with that. What I can’t wrap myself around is how, one minute, I’m with my husband….. the next minute, it’s her. Please note…I did not say “wife”….. Let me take a short little detour here and tell you about the terminology “wife”, when referring to Angel. We always talked about getting married again. Our first marriage wasn’t anything elaborate. Just a Judge came to our house, we did vows and had a little cake. (We had dressed up the night before!)
As the years passed, we became closer . I was gaining a deep, personal and intimate portrait of this person I married. It deepened my love for him and that he would trust me with all these inner thoughts. We said Angel and myself would, one day, have another wedding ceremony. We both would wear wedding dresses and re-affirm our vows to each other, this time as the other side.
He has been telling me all these years how Angel would wear white and I would wear black. I would just laugh but recently, it hit me kinda funny. Why do I wear black to re-affirm my vows to the person I love? No, we could both wear whatever the hell colors we want. After all, isn’t that what this is supposed to be about, finding your true, authentic self.
Back to the ceremony, I got down on one knee and proposed a few months ago to her. She said yes so, I somewhat started to envision the event. While looking around for ideas, I found some photos of a wedding and re-posted on Google +. https://plus.google.com/108645756729229654936/posts/7sP4Rur9y2B When he saw the photos, he said, “Angel will NEVER marry YOU!”
He says he wants to be remain my husband but when he is she, she says she also wants to remain, not wife. Just remain. I get so confused. I am patient. I am understanding and compassionate. When the lines of communication were open and he was telling me what he was thinking and feeling, I also has great empathy and it helped me to be reassured I am loved 100%. Now, there is no talking. He won’t tell me what he is thinking so, I can only go by what he’s doing.
I take it as a personal attack sometimes when he comes out in front of people dressed slutty. He is my partner. To me, that’s putting it out there. If you wanna stay married, you don’t put yourself out there as available. I think I may have just said what I need to get through my head, “He” is my partner. And, let me tell you, he is struggling. I keep trying to get him or her to open up and talk to me but they won’t. Oh my goodness, I just said “they”. I had told myself I wouldn’t refer to him as “they”.
For now, he is my Husband. She is someone that is finding her way and, hell, I don’t know….. She needs her space to grow? I am trying to leave her alone and let her find herself.
So, for now, I will leave it at that. He is my Husband. For him (and her) I feel eternally blessed and am truly a better person for having known him.
No comments:
Post a Comment