WHAT IS TOO SEXY?

My husband is the type of crossdresser who over-sexualizes women.  The way he likes to dress is extremely sexy, over the top!  Shoulda been in Playboy!  Wow!  For me, this is my husband, showing all this to
the neighbors, the world, and we aren't celebrities.  The shorts are too short, the dresses are too tight, too short, barely there at times.  The heels are too high.  Now, mind you, I'm not a prude, even though it sure sounds like it.  In fact, I used to dress the way she does.  My husband asked me to please not go grocery shopping dressed that way and I DIDN'T.  Because I RESPECT him.

I was told and shown about his dressing before we married so, I knew how he dressed.  Yes, I did. However, I was introduced to Angel in our boudoir.  This was THE most private, intimate parts of my life which, I was told, would always remain that way. Things change.


We had an agreement he could dress how and when he wanted after the kids were grown and gone.  I was assuming that if he did go in public, he wouldn't dress the way he did for me during lovemaking. Silly me to make such an assumption.   Over the past three years, I've heard all sorts of justifications why it's ok to go out dressed the way she does.   Some of the things coming out his mouth would cause any sane woman to pack her shi! and run!  I haven't because I just don't believe that he believes what he is saying.  He's always been a really good BS'er and that's exactly what it is.  BS!, as he flashes this secret little grin of knowingness at me then, tells me he wasn't smiling.

He seems to get some kind of rise out of my angst.  As long as he can make me feel uncomfortable, he's good with that.

As we're getting ready to walk out of the house, Tuesday afternoon in December and she's wearing stilletto boots, thigh high stockings, short shorts and a revealing halter top.  I ask, what woman in Utah is wearing that out today?  She says, "Why, dear, there's all kinds of them, just look on the streets when we go out."  Well.... I do and, you know, no one is out today, it's just too cold!   Aargh!

I ask, "Purpose?"  Purpose of you dressing in public like this?  Why do you want everyone looking at you?  You make yourself stand out, not blend in.  You always told me it's every crossdressers dream to "blend in" to "pass" as a woman.  Baby, you not passin'  'cause you be gettin' second, third and fourth looks from EVERYONE that sees you.  Hell, I don't know.  Maybe he is passing, and it's those kinds of looks, but I don't think so.

The bottom line for me is, I think I know the purpose.  The purpose is the attention of men.  That's what he plays to when dressed as a woman.  When, now think about this for a second, he used to play it to me.  And I, when it was MY turn, would play it to and for him.  I had no idea when HE did it, it was not FOR me.  

I rationalize in my head why I should forgive him for what he's doing to me for the past few years. Right now, I've stayed and allowed him to inflict more emotional and mental pain on me.  It's abuse to the unteenth degree.  Somehow, I rationalize how I deserve to be mistreated, put second, set to the side, like the trash is put out.  Number Two.  You know, Number Two!  I think I deserve it because of the terrible person I was during previous years.

I was a raging alcoholic.